To remove mustiness from old tomes, or perhaps prevent the dropsy
Draft of 2004.06.26
If a book should become infested with mildews and stench, the acolyte must venture forth to procure a casket, one not over-large but also never used, with a tight and sturdy lid. Before leaving the department of Rubbermaid, circle the aisle thrice widdershins and say unto the Second Clerk when it is met: I adjure you, Abonometh, Azripan, Abonometh, Second Clerk — where is the cat litter? If the Second Clerk doth obfuscate, produce the Stave and make the Sign of Defenestration, and speak: Greebo! Greebo! Greebo! I am not dissuaded! Arm & Hammer Brand will be fine! Is it in the Groceries section? and then the clerk will direct you thence. Many fall or falter upon the long path from Storage Solutions to Groceries, for tempting delicacies may be offered unto the unwary; falter not, but rather fast, and partake of neither sausage nor crabcake nor coffee. If challenged, make the Sign of Defenestration twice and turn aside, always along the heartline; the path may waver, but goal should never change. The acolyte must depart with the casket of rubber with a tight lid, and the cat litter; on occasion, silica gel may also be obtained. Thence depart this place with all haste.
Prepare a Short Rack of Metal or Wood, such as would fit inside the casket and be about the height of a finger from the bottom. Consult the Moon as required. A cookie sheet will do in a pinch.
Place the casket of plastic in the ritual circle, for it should not be disturbed overmuch by children or household familiars. Cleanse the book which doth stink carefully with Swiffers and dry paper towels, using always the utmost care and patience, while chanting quietly: Stink away. Stink away. Fly stinky away. Abronalith. Stink away. Spread the cat litter as deep as two knucklebones in the bottom of the casket, pouring in a single motion, saying: Lord Zygax, protect this book from the stench, Oh Lord I hope this works. Avaunt!
Avoid breathing the dust.
Place the Short Rack of Metal or Wood upon the cat litter. Do not allow the Short Rack of Metal or Wood to be covered entirely. Next place upon the Short Rack of Metal or Wood the books which stink, saying, UVAVU, ERANU. If the casket and books and the Short Rack of Metal or Wood should allow, fan the pages of the books so that they are open to the still air within the casket; this will draw out the waters of evil. Next seal the casket. Tie above it a frog dipped in honey. When ants and flies have cleaned the bones of the frog entirely, the books shall be relieved of its stink, and may be used with pleasure.
Lacking a frog, check in about a week.
This process may be amended to prevent the dropsy, in the normal manner.